Dave the Vagabond
by Thinking Without Speaking
Summary: Dave is homeless and lives near John's house. Hopefully a little buck-toothed boy can add some cheer to his gloomy days. :) No Sburb AU! Might bring in trolls later, but mostly Dave and John centered. Read and review if you can/want to! Just some best bro fluff.
1. John and Dave: Meet

The day Dave met John was interesting.

Dave wore tattered clothes and at what others would give him. He lived on the curb between Basken St. and Libisom St. in his box.

One day, a boy his age (10, at the time) skipped up to him with a buck-toothed smile and bright blue eyes. "Are you a vagabond?" the boy asked. His voice was light, fluffy, and cheerful, with a slight lisp. It reminded Dave of pancakes.

"What's a vagabond?" Dave's gruff voice stupidly answered. Dave's voice reminded himself of Rocky Road ice cream. It was smooth, layered, cold, and sometimes had a slight crunch to it.

The guy lay next to him, head resting on his hands. "A homeless person!"

"Yup." the dude stared at him with awe.

"Do you live here alone?"

"Mhm,"

"Do you get lonely?"

"Striders don't get lonely."

"Why are you a vagabond?"

_Dang, did this dude ever stop asking questions?_

"My Bro didn't want me anymore."

"Then doesn't that mean you're not a Strider?" Dave pondered his words.

"I suppose," the boy slapped a derpy grin on his face.

"Then do you get lonely?"

"… Yup." the boy concentrated on swinging his legs to the front without losing balance.

"Then I'll stay with you!" Dave stared at him through his shades.

"Didn't your dad or something tell you not to talk to strangers?"

"I don't listen to him very much." Dave laughed for the first time in years.

"What's your name?" he asked the kid.

"John Egbert! What's yours?"

"Dave." he didn't say Strider.

"Nice to meet you, Dave! I'm gonna be your best friend." John smiled so brightly Dave contemplated putting cold food in front of it to warm it. The two boys talked all night long, and woke up in John's sheets next to his dad's car, parked beside the curb.

John waved goodbye as he hopped into the car. His dad jumped out with a bag in hand. He gave it to Dave.

"I trust you. I know I shouldn't, but you don't seem bad. Just make sure to stay that way or I'll let the authorities take you." Dave gulped and nodded. He heard rumors of what the authorities did to kids. They were just rumors, but Dave wasn't taking any chances. "And thank you. John doesn't have any friends, and I've definitely haven't seen him as happy as he was when he called me last night." _John didn't have any friends? Who wouldn't want to be friends with such a sweet kid?_ John's dad nodded at the bag. "It's for you."

Dave cautiously opened the bag and took out everything inside. A red blanket came out first, then a nice, record-stamped hoodie, then a cake and a few pre-cooked meals that looked well enough preserved. Dave pulled out a square of paper.

"That's our address. Just come by if you ever need anything." Dave put everything back in the bag. He felt a warm tear slip down his grimy cheek. In a snap he was full on sobbing and clutching John's dad's shirt. John's dad hugged him and held him tightly. John came out of the car to see what was wrong and joined the hug quickly.

"Th-thank you…"

Striders didn't cry.

He wasn't a Strider.

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**A/N: I'll definitely be continuing this! I really like this one. :) Sadly, there will be no HammerTime. :( It's my OTP 5ever, but I think this one's better suited for morail fluff. :)**

**You've already read (Hopefully) and I would appreciate some reviews! Even a simple "Hi" would suffice. :)**


	2. John: Present Show and Tell Speech

This was the most embarrassing thing Dave had ever done.

Why he agreed to this, the world may never know.

But little Egderp was smiling happily as he brought him in to school.

He had a nametag on with the top scribbled out messily. It read "PROPERTY OF JOHN EGBERT: DAVE"

He felt himself blush madly as John read his presentation in front of the class.

"For show-and-tell this year, I decided to bring my favorite thing!" everyone looked confused. Why was John standing up there with some random guy? "He's a hobo I found on the streets two weeks ago! He's my best friend. His name is Dave. Say hi, Dave!" Dave growled at John but raised his hand.

"Sup."

"He's a vagabond," John quickly turned around and wrote '_v-a-g-a-b-o-n-d'_ on the whiteboard. "A person who wanders place to place without a home or job." the teacher nodded carefully and crossed off '_Vagabond'_ from the side of the board.

"I found him when I was walking home from school, and he looked really lonely, so I started to talk to him! We talked all night and my dad drove me home the next day. He gave Dave blankets and food and now every Friday he comes over to my house and we watch movies and play video games! He's the best ever!" John smiled widely and bowed, then hugged Dave tightly. John sat down at his seat and the teacher sent Dave to the back of the room. He overheard another kid talking about John's speech. He couldn't help but listen in.

"HEY," Dave could tell the kid couldn't whisper for his life. "SOLLUX," the kid next to him perked up.

"Yeah, KK? What'th up?" the kid, Sollux, had an awful lisp.

"WHO BRINGS A HOBO TO SCHOOL?" 'KK' laughed. "ONLY EGBUTT WOULD THINK OF SUCH A STUPID IDEA." Dave felt his face turning red in rage. He quickly got up from his seat and poked the boy with his desk labeled "Karkat" square in the middle of his forehead. Karkat was wide-eyed and staring at him like he'd seen a demon. Dave laughed internally, but his face was a pure mask of anger.

"That's _vagabond_." there couldn't have been any more malice in that one word than what Dave put in. "And you shouldn't be calling your _compatriot_, c-o-m-p-a-t-r-i-o-t, a fellow citizen or national of a country," he snapped his free fingers that weren't poking the boy and the teacher hurriedly crossed out the word '_Compatriot'_, "Such names." he sat back down and left the boy shaking in his seat. His feet went on the desk, and oddly enough, no one stopped him.

When school ended, John walked Dave out the door. "Thanks for sticking up for me, Dave! But can you be nicer to Karkat next time?" Dave stopped and stared, _he was sure John could tell through his shades 'cause they just were best buddies like that,_ at John.

"He was picking on you! It looked like he did it all the time!" John laughed and skipped down the road.

"He does! But when he changes I want to be right there for him." John smiled as he walked to his house. Dave quickly caught up with his face caught up in the same defined smirk he always wore when John surprised him.

"Sure thing, buddy." he slung his arm around his best friend's shoulders.

"You wanna come over for a sleepover? You could stay at my house and we could play games and I could show you how to play piano and we coul-," Dave smashed his fingers on the shorter's lips. "D mnerphanap maphaphafalo!" he finished.

"Hakuna Mattata to you, too." John laughed under the finger at the Lion King reference. It was one of the few movies Dave had seen before he was sent away.

Dave stayed the night and neither could have asked for more.

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**A/N: I am ****_so_**** sorry for writing Karkat and Sollux as butts! Don't worry, they'll be reoccurring in a few chapters and they'll be 50x nicer! But, yup, next chapter so soon, but it's only because this story has been up for 2 HOURS and it's gotten a lot of attention! Okay, love you guys!**

**See ya next chapter, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!**

**(Oh, and if you're really bored and wanna laugh a bit, just imagine the first line being read in Flynn Rider's voice from Tangled when he says "This is the weirdest thing I've ****_ever done_****!" It makes me laugh really hard for some reason. :))**


	3. John: Answer Phone

John picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

_"John?"_ a feminine voice sounded on the other line.

"Mhm!" John nodded even though he knew they couldn't see him. Dave watched him from the couch. "Who is this?"

"_Hi, John! It's Jade!"_

"Jade?" he asked. It was rhetorical. "Jade! It's so nice to hear from you again! How's Hawaii?" Jade was John's sister, and their Grandpa had taken her when their mom died in an accident at work.

_"Oh, it's great! We go out to town once a week and Grandpa taught me how to hunt and we have a dog!"_ she always was one to be excited over little things.

"Wow!" John was in genuine awe. "So, anyways, why are you calling today?"

_"Oh, right! Can we come to visit? I've been simply itching to come over and see you guys again! I miss you!"_

"Really?! You wanna come visit?! Yeah, of course, and you can meet Dave!"

"_Who's Dave?" _John mentally face-palmed.

"I forgot I didn't tell you! He's my best friend! And he's a hobo!"

"_Wooooooaaaaaaaaah! A real life hobo?"_

"Yup! Do you wanna talk to him?"

"_Yeah!" _John motioned for Dave to come over.

"Okay, just a sec!" John held his hand over the mic and started to brief Dave. "Dave, this is Jade! She's my sister and she's coming to visit from Hawaii, so be nice!" he handed the taller the phone.

"Dave speaking."

"_Oh, hi~ I'm Jade! Are you really a hobo?"_

"As hobo as it gets."

"_Wow! What's it like to be a hobo?"_

"Y'know, sit on corners, talk to strangers. That sort of thing."

"_You can talk to strangers? OMG!__*****_"

"Who even says 'OMG'? It sounds like 'omgah', like 'manga' mixed with a cat eating a cheeseburger with a tiny 'om' captions at the bottom." Jade laughed.

_"You're silly!"_

"You betcha," he made a winking noise to play with her.

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave!" whined John. "That's my sister! No!"

"No, John. I will not stop. This mouth is on a roll. A jelly roll. Doing a peanut butter pop at 500 miles per hour. A peanut butter pop, John. This jelly roll is as ironic as a llama sitting on an old dude's back on top of a bus on its way to llama school." Jade laughed over the phone.

"_John, don't worry! He's just being funny." _Dave could almost feel her smile through the line.

"Yeah, Egderp!"

"We-,"

"Shoosh. The irony train's gonna run you over." he tackled John. "Whoop, there it is! Now let's all hold a moment of silence for our dear departed friend." Dave heard muffled giggles over the speaker phone. Jade was trying to play along, but not very well as it seemed. John snickered and his chest rose up and down with his laughter, jostling Dave. Dave got up and sat back on the couch.

"_He was a great brothe- tee hee!- er."_

John was laughing too hard to be annoyed.

"Dave is the Irony King!"

"Nope. I am a taco. The Irony Taco. You can't eat me in one bite." Jade burst into laughter as John sat on the floor to deal with his snorts and giggles.

"_Anyways, can I bring Rose?" _Jade had calmed down. John took the phone back.

"Your neighbor?"

"_Yeah! I mean, you're friends with her, too. I think it would be fun, and I let you keep Dave!"_

"My hobo." John grabbed Dave under the armpits and squeezed him like a doll. "And yeah," he unceremoniously dropped Dave back on the couch. "You can bring Rose! It would be nice to see her again! Is she there?"

"Yeah! I'll get her!" there was a _klink_ on the line, then a new, refined voice came on.

_"This is Rose Lalonde."_

"Hi, Rose! How are you?"

"_I am doing well. How might you be fairing today?"_

"I'm doing great!" Dave took back over the phone.

"This is Dave speaking."

"_Who are you?"_

"I'm John's hobo friend."

_"I hadn't known he had a hobo friend."_

"Well he does." Dave smirked. "So whatcha doing?"

"_Currently?"_

"Yup."

"_Talking to you. Breathing. Sitting. Saying the words: 'Saying the words:' thus leading into a paradox that I will save you the trouble of hearing."_

"Sarcasm, huh?"

"_Irony, hmm? I would call for a proper psychological analysis, but sadly this conversation must be cut short due to the fact that I must pack to meet you and John. Goodbye."_

Dave gave a 'hmph'.

"Bye, Rose!"

_"Hi, it's Jade, but I've got to go too to pack! Bye!"_

"Bye! I love you!" the line clicked off.

"So… An easily-excited sister and a sarcastic friend?" John nodded and sat next to Dave.

"Con Air?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"No." John turned on his favorite movie. Even the television groaned.

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**A/N: Well, that's it for this chapter! Yay, Rose and Jade are coming over next chapter! :D**

***Why Jade was so out of character and said 'OMG': I actually roleplay Dave, so most of the irony to be found is from one of our conversations. I had to set that one up, sorry!**

**And yes.**

**Peanut butter pop.**

**I am so sorry.**


	4. John: Become the Pranking Master

**A/N: Warning! There is a prank in here (A PRANK, NOT REAL) that makes it seem gory and cannibalistic, so I'll mark that part, just in case it could trigger anyone. Hee hee, Kankri much?**

* * *

Rose and Jade would be there in a week.

John huffed in boredom and flung himself against the back of the couch.

Then, of course, promptly fell off and landed on his face.

Dave tried to hold back snorts of laughter as John picked himself off the floor and rubbed his nose. John cuffed him behind the head and Dave smiled at his friend while laughing at his expense.

"Meany!" John accused. Dave kicked his shin softly, so as not to hurt him.

"I am not."

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Fighting isn't ironic, man."

"Well I'm sorry to have hurt your ego, Mr. Irony-Taco." John snorted.

"Dang strait." he punched his shorter counterpart in the arm. "I'm hungry. Snacks?" he asked.

"Sure!" John flashed him a buck-toothed smile and ran off into the kitchen to get the food. Dave sat at the table and waited patiently for his friend to return. Best friend, he meant. Best friend. John walked back in, two bottles of apple juice, a plate with a slice of cake resting atop it, an odd-looking orange, and a fork. He gave a bottle to Dave, the cake and fork as well, and kept the second apple juice container and the odd orange. Dave opened his bottle and took a long, delicious sip.

"A. J. of the finest." he used a fake French accent to accentuate his point.

"Only the very best for Mister Dave Blankity-Blank." Dave laughed at the nickname. His laughter stopped as John pulled _that_ face.

Oh no.

_The_ face.

The same exact face that left half the world running for cover, like ducks during a shooting.

Well, Dave had never seen ducks during a shooting, but he was pretty dang sure they'd act like that.

When John noticed that Dave had pulled his inner-monologue-of-irony face, he elevated his prankster stare into a prankster's stare at his orange. Before Dave could snap out of his ironic sankofa, well, John had assumed he was having a sankofa at least, John rushed to the kitchen and back, his arms fully loaded with a knife, a hot dog, three white toothpicks, and a small glass shard from a cup he had broken earlier. John looked back at Dave and was instantly glad for Dave's random stupors. He sat back down and worked beneath the table, lest Dave wake up. He carved, shaped, and stuck things together. Finally, his best prank yet was ready.

Dave finally stopped thinking about how ducks would react to a shooting and shook his head, then started to eat the cake he was offered. It was good, milky, sweet, and overall, very sweet. He looked up at John, who had a placid face on, instead. He couldn't decide whether to be relieved, or very, very scared.

* * *

**A/N: Triggers ahead! Careful, mates!**

* * *

"Dave! Look! I have this thing I wanna try! You wanna see?" Dave cautiously nodded. John smiled widely at him, _like a devil_, Dave thought, then commenced with the thing he 'wanted to try' by raising his hand, and then…

Ate the top half of his pointer finger.

Dave screamed loudly in horror at his friend, who was munching happily on his finger, which was _oh my god it's bleeding all over the place do I call an ambulance or 911 or a therapist or cannibals anonymous or whattheheckdoIdoohmygodJohnisfreakingeatinghisoWNFREAKINGFINGERWHATDOIDOOHMYGO- _Dave's thoughts were cut short by him screaming again as John licked the blood off of his finger-stump.

"OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HECK JOHN, WHO WANTS TO TRY EATING THEIR OWN FINGERS GOSH DANG IT STOP THAT'S CREEPY HOW ARE YOU NOT SCREAMING HOLY HECK OF HEAVEN WHAT IS _WRONG_ WITH YOU, MAN?!" John laughed.

_Laughed._

_Whilst eating HIS OWN FREAKING FINGER._

What.

The.

Heck?!

John continued to tease Dave by biting off another chunk and throwing it at Dave, who screamed loudly and fell off of his chair, trying to get away from it.

"OH MY GOD, NO, JOHN, DON'T THROW FINGERS AT PEOPLE!" this sentence would be ironic if his friend wasn't eating his own, very unironic finger.

John laughed and pulled off his finger.

"OH MY GOSH, MAN, SCARRED FOR LIFE NOW, PUT IT BACK ON, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!" Dave howled.

"Dave, calm down, gosh, it was just a prank!"

"A PRANK?! YOU ATE YOUR FINGER, THREW IT AT ME, AND RIPPED IT OFF!"

Suddenly, John's finger popped back up.

* * *

**A/N: Trigger over! :P**

* * *

"WHA-," Dave stared.

John took his ripped off "finger" and peeled the "skin" off of it. It was the outside of a hot dog. Inside, a blood orange with white toothpick bones. A glass shard fingernail clinked to the table beneath it. John ate the blood orange muscle quickly with a satisfying _clack_ of lips smacking against the sweet taste.

Long story short, in two minutes all of the blood oranges in the Egbert home were splattered on the sidewalk, a heaving and angry Dave standing next to a satisfied and annoyed-with-his-now-apparent-lack-of-blood-oranges John.

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**A/N: Hope you liked it, and sorry for being gone so long!**

**And I have pulled this prank on my friend before, it was successful, but I would recommend not doing it unless you want a painful, purple reminder of your efforts on your arm for all to see.**

**Oh!**

**And I'm sick. :P This kinda helped me to not throw up my guts, so you can all thank sickness and a really bad tasting dinner for this chapter!**

**See ya later, lovelies!**

**Review if you can, and if you want, pester me at moonlitSnowflake!**

**Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~**


	5. Author: Notify (PLEASE READ!)

**A/N: (Please read, this is important!)**

**This isn't a chapter,**

**BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT**

_**I need your help!**_

**(I wish we could do flashy lights on FanFiction!)**

**(Hopefully) My friend is coming over in March for the Indiana Comic Convention and so on the first day, I'll be cosplaying God Tier Jade Harley and my friend will be God Tier Roxy Lalonde, and on the second day I'll be Trickster!Karkat Vantas (My first ever opposite gender cosplay!) and she will be Trickster!Nepeta Lejion!**

**We're doing some videos, so I wanted to know if you had any questions or dares for us?**

**It would help A LOT!**

**Just tell me what you want us to address you as, and label it for either Jade, Roxy, Karkat, or Nepeta, and if it is a question or a dare!**

**No shipping.**

**She's my best friend, I'm not a lesbian, and neither is she.**

**No inappropriate things.**

**I'm twelve, she's thirteen.**

**And thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!**

**This helps a lot!**

**You can PM me, or you can review, I don't mind either way. :)**

**Thanks, you guys are the best!**


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